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buna.
ceea ce urmeaza sa va povestesc poate uimi majoritatea de prostia care zace in mne , dar cum sunt constienta de toate astea , va rog sa va abtineti de la jigniri si comentarii care nu-si au rostul si care nu ma ajuta in nici un fel.
am o relatie de 2 ani jumate.de la inceput si pana in prezent , relatia a fost foarte dificila. certuri zilnice ,contraziceri , gelozie , controale si tot ce poate fi mai rau . Partle bune? nu exista...dupa doar 3 saptamani de relatie, m-a batut atat de tare...2 saptamani am stat vanata la ochi , nu puteam sta intinsa pe spate , abia respiram si cand ma vedea ca sufar ...se bucura asa de tare...spunea ca merit. ca numai eu sunt devina pentru toate si daca nu o sa ma port cum vrea el o sa fie si mai rau. ce s-a intamplat in noaptea in care m-a batut prima data ? 8 ore m-a tinut langa el sa ma convinga sa nu ne despartim ca numai eu sunt de vina , ca eu l-am provocat...asa ca am uitat repede bataia , cu gandul ca daca ma port frumos cu el , va fi bine , sau poate daca voi fi mai rece se va indeparta....nu a fost asa bineinteles....am continuat la fel de rau . inca o bataie peste 2 luni , inca una peste 4 luni si tot asa.... in total 8 bataii n 18 luni...si cand spun bataie nu ma refer la o palma...nu ...alea sunt la luna , doar pentru ca ma saluta cineva , sau pentru ca mi-a aparut cineva in lista de mess , sau pentru orice implica o alta persoana. nu aveam voie sa salut pe cineva decat cu buna ziua si foarte rece...pentru ca daca as fi avut curaj fiu sociabila, ar fi insemnat pt el ca sunt c.... bineinteles , toate astea m-au afectat psihic foarte tare , asfel incat incepeam sa tip ,sa ma trantesc pe jos , sa am tentative de sinucidere....
pana aici...probabil nimic ce v-ar mira...prin asta trec multe persoane care de frica sau diferite motive continua asa la nesfarsit . la mine insa s-a intamplat contrariul. am inceput sa accept situatia , relatia , viata asta... si sa tin la el.cum s-a putut intampla asa ceva ? cum am ajuns in situatia asta crunta. din prostie , fara doar si poate.
prima data cand mi-a spus el hai sa ne despartim , ca iti fac mult rau si nu e bine , ne facem de ras si nu ne potrivim , ca tu stii ce sa facem sa nu ma aduci in stadiul asta , dar nu faci nimic . hai mai bine sa ne oprim . bun . hai sa gandim logic ca la 30 de ani ai lui si eu pe aproape...avea dreptate. asa ca am "terminat-o".
pentru o ora....ce a urmat ? multe jigniri , tipete , telefoane sparte si bineineteles vanatai si haine rupte...nu ca in filme... nu nu ...depaseste cu mult orice film . partea "buna", daca se poate numi asa e ca mereu am ripostat , mereu am fost violenta si culmea eu , doar eu condamnata de cei care asistau si se amuzau copios [ nu inteleg deloc de ce] - drept nebuna....dc? pentru ca tipam...
precizez ca nu locuim impreuna , avem vieti total diferite...nu ne leaga nimic . poate jucariile din plus de toate marimile , care nu-mi atenueaza durerile ci le amplifica...poate florile primite fara nici o ocazie , pe care le-am pastrat cu sfintenie, dar care in momente d-astea imi adancesc si mai tare ranile , poate doar faptul ca uneori in el exista barbatul care ma face sa ma simt speciala,lucru care nu l-am mai simtit pana acum.poate numai din cauza batailor , mi se par valoroase momentele bune...
acum , sunt vanata bineiteles la maini picioare , sold , dar cel mai tare la ochi...maine ar trebui sa ma duc la munca , dar nu am cum . nu ma pot ascunde la nesfarsit si apoi oamenii din jurul meu nu mai cred de mult ca m-am lovit la geam , m-am lovit la usa, si tot felul de scuze penibile .
insa cel mai tare ma doare faptul ca am sentimente puternice (ura si dragoste, desi cred ca cea din urma e numai prostie )pentru animalul din el, pentru cei 2 ani jum pierduti in speranta ca se va schimba , ca il voi schimba, ca e doar vina mea si deci ca eu ma voi schimba . dar nu....nimic nu se schimba...nimic .
ce sa ma fac? cum sa am puterea sa trec si peste asta.
e a sasea mea relatie.toate celelalte de cate 10-12 luni , simple fara probleme majore...ultima in schimb mi-a pus capac. eu sunt de vina . orice fata normala are un esec doua , dar eu .... nu mai am puterea sa o iau de la inceput , nu mai pot si nici varsta nu ma lasa .am imbatranit in prostie , fara sperante, fara viitor.
sa cred ca asta mi-e soarta ? ca orice as face tot aici ajung ? am ghinion in viata asta pe toate planurile, fara nici o exceptie ?
de exemplu sa spun faptul ca de un an de cand am terminat facultatea , nu am reusit sa ma angajez decat secretara , pentru 6 milioane ? nu , nu-si are rostul aici...
problema majora este relatia in care ma aflu si culmea prostiei ca tot o sa continuie pana cand doamne fereste voi muri de mana lui.da m-a amenintat si cu asta, dar nici eu n-am fost mai buna , si eu am innebunit .nu stiu ce e de facut . nu stiu nici daca mai rezist . n-am renuntat la viata sau cel putin nu pana la capat doar pentru ca mai am o speranta... tot astept o minune.tot cred ca mi se cuvine putina fericire, dupa chinul indurat si daca am rabdare , o sa vina si randul meu .
nu mai spun decat un singur lucru....dumnezeu nu-ti da mai mult decat poti duce...
la mine...cred ca a uitat complet ca exist... posturi ? da am tinut...slujbe...da am fost mult timp , inca nu am renuntat de tot...si tot asa....
poate platesc ca nu mai sunt virgina , ca am avut prea multi parteneri , desi cunosc persoane care m-au depasit cu mult , si nu in relatii de luni bune...ci de cateva nopti...sau poate aici gresesc...poate asta trebui sa fac si eu . dar nu pot ...nu am inselat niciodata , am fost mereu sincera...si uite unde am ajuns....
asta e viata mea si cred ca mult timp va continua asa .... ma doare tare...de data asta mai mult ranile exterioare decat sufletul...
nu am nici o speranta . e dulce vinul care curge din painea de la ochiul stang si sarata,amara lacrima de la ochiul drept....prostia nu are limite ...... asta e tot:PROSTIE ...
sau ma insel? .......

Postat pe 20 Septembrie 2009 15:07
De la: , la data 2009-09-20 15:07:05buna.
ceea ce urmeaza sa va povestesc poate uimi majoritatea de prostia care zace in mne , dar cum sunt constienta de toate astea , va rog sa va abtineti de la jigniri si comentarii care nu-si au rostul si care nu ma ajuta in nici un fel.
am o relatie de 2 ani jumate.de la inceput si pana in prezent , relatia a fost foarte dificila. certuri zilnice ,contraziceri , gelozie , controale si tot ce poate fi mai rau . Partle bune? nu exista...dupa doar 3 saptamani de relatie, m-a batut atat de tare...2 saptamani am stat vanata la ochi , nu puteam sta intinsa pe spate , abia respiram si cand ma vedea ca sufar ...se bucura asa de tare...spunea ca merit. ca numai eu sunt devina pentru toate si daca nu o sa ma port cum vrea el o sa fie si mai rau. ce s-a intamplat in noaptea in care m-a batut prima data ? 8 ore m-a tinut langa el sa ma convinga sa nu ne despartim ca numai eu sunt de vina , ca eu l-am provocat...asa ca am uitat repede bataia , cu gandul ca daca ma port frumos cu el , va fi bine , sau poate daca voi fi mai rece se va indeparta....nu a fost asa bineinteles....am continuat la fel de rau . inca o bataie peste 2 luni , inca una peste 4 luni si tot asa.... in total 8 bataii n 18 luni...si cand spun bataie nu ma refer la o palma...nu ...alea sunt la luna , doar pentru ca ma saluta cineva , sau pentru ca mi-a aparut cineva in lista de mess , sau pentru orice implica o alta persoana. nu aveam voie sa salut pe cineva decat cu buna ziua si foarte rece...pentru ca daca as fi avut curaj fiu sociabila, ar fi insemnat pt el ca sunt c.... bineinteles , toate astea m-au afectat psihic foarte tare , asfel incat incepeam sa tip ,sa ma trantesc pe jos , sa am tentative de sinucidere....
pana aici...probabil nimic ce v-ar mira...prin asta trec multe persoane care de frica sau diferite motive continua asa la nesfarsit . la mine insa s-a intamplat contrariul. am inceput sa accept situatia , relatia , viata asta... si sa tin la el.cum s-a putut intampla asa ceva ? cum am ajuns in situatia asta crunta. din prostie , fara doar si poate.
prima data cand mi-a spus el hai sa ne despartim , ca iti fac mult rau si nu e bine , ne facem de ras si nu ne potrivim , ca tu stii ce sa facem sa nu ma aduci in stadiul asta , dar nu faci nimic . hai mai bine sa ne oprim . bun . hai sa gandim logic ca la 30 de ani ai lui si eu pe aproape...avea dreptate. asa ca am "terminat-o".
pentru o ora....ce a urmat ? multe jigniri , tipete , telefoane sparte si bineineteles vanatai si haine rupte...nu ca in filme... nu nu ...depaseste cu mult orice film . partea "buna", daca se poate numi asa e ca mereu am ripostat , mereu am fost violenta si culmea eu , doar eu condamnata de cei care asistau si se amuzau copios [ nu inteleg deloc de ce] - drept nebuna....dc? pentru ca tipam...
precizez ca nu locuim impreuna , avem vieti total diferite...nu ne leaga nimic . poate jucariile din plus de toate marimile , care nu-mi atenueaza durerile ci le amplifica...poate florile primite fara nici o ocazie , pe care le-am pastrat cu sfintenie, dar care in momente d-astea imi adancesc si mai tare ranile , poate doar faptul ca uneori in el exista barbatul care ma face sa ma simt speciala,lucru care nu l-am mai simtit pana acum.poate numai din cauza batailor , mi se par valoroase momentele bune...
acum , sunt vanata bineiteles la maini picioare , sold , dar cel mai tare la ochi...maine ar trebui sa ma duc la munca , dar nu am cum . nu ma pot ascunde la nesfarsit si apoi oamenii din jurul meu nu mai cred de mult ca m-am lovit la geam , m-am lovit la usa, si tot felul de scuze penibile .
insa cel mai tare ma doare faptul ca am sentimente puternice (ura si dragoste, desi cred ca cea din urma e numai prostie )pentru animalul din el, pentru cei 2 ani jum pierduti in speranta ca se va schimba , ca il voi schimba, ca e doar vina mea si deci ca eu ma voi schimba . dar nu....nimic nu se schimba...nimic .
ce sa ma fac? cum sa am puterea sa trec si peste asta.
e a sasea mea relatie.toate celelalte de cate 10-12 luni , simple fara probleme majore...ultima in schimb mi-a pus capac. eu sunt de vina . orice fata normala are un esec doua , dar eu .... nu mai am puterea sa o iau de la inceput , nu mai pot si nici varsta nu ma lasa .am imbatranit in prostie , fara sperante, fara viitor.
sa cred ca asta mi-e soarta ? ca orice as face tot aici ajung ? am ghinion in viata asta pe toate planurile, fara nici o exceptie ?
de exemplu sa spun faptul ca de un an de cand am terminat facultatea , nu am reusit sa ma angajez decat secretara , pentru 6 milioane ? nu , nu-si are rostul aici...
problema majora este relatia in care ma aflu si culmea prostiei ca tot o sa continuie pana cand doamne fereste voi muri de mana lui.da m-a amenintat si cu asta, dar nici eu n-am fost mai buna , si eu am innebunit .nu stiu ce e de facut . nu stiu nici daca mai rezist . n-am renuntat la viata sau cel putin nu pana la capat doar pentru ca mai am o speranta... tot astept o minune.tot cred ca mi se cuvine putina fericire, dupa chinul indurat si daca am rabdare , o sa vina si randul meu .
nu mai spun decat un singur lucru....dumnezeu nu-ti da mai mult decat poti duce...
la mine...cred ca a uitat complet ca exist... posturi ? da am tinut...slujbe...da am fost mult timp , inca nu am renuntat de tot...si tot asa....
poate platesc ca nu mai sunt virgina , ca am avut prea multi parteneri , desi cunosc persoane care m-au depasit cu mult , si nu in relatii de luni bune...ci de cateva nopti...sau poate aici gresesc...poate asta trebui sa fac si eu . dar nu pot ...nu am inselat niciodata , am fost mereu sincera...si uite unde am ajuns....
asta e viata mea si cred ca mult timp va continua asa .... ma doare tare...de data asta mai mult ranile exterioare decat sufletul...
nu am nici o speranta . e dulce vinul care curge din painea de la ochiul stang si sarata,amara lacrima de la ochiul drept....prostia nu are limite ...... asta e tot:PROSTIE ...
sau ma insel? .......



Ai doua solutii: ori termini,pui PUNCT si iti continui viata fara complicatii,ori insisti in PROSTIA TA si vei ajunge la rubrica "Decese",plansa si jelita de cei dragi! TU ALEGI!!!
bl_de
Postat pe 21 Septembrie 2009 14:28
Vaiii e grav...denunta-l la politie...ia lectii de autoaparare..foarte serioasa treaba...du-te la karate sau ceva de genu...si bate-l mar cand il mai vezi
simonycik
Postat pe 21 Septembrie 2009 18:39
Banuiesc ca stii engleza.

If youre in a controlling and abusive relationship, you may recognize several of the characteristics described in this article by Consulting Clinical Psychologist Dr Joseph M. Carver, PhD. Part 1 describes the formation of bonds between victim and abuser, while Part 2 continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and offers suggestions for friends and family of victims.

Introduction

People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember theyve thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar Disorder recently told me I cant believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy! A common reaction is I cant believe I did that!

In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as I know what hes done to me, but I still love him, I dont know why, but I want him back, or I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her. Recently Ive heard This doesnt make sense. Hes got a new girlfriend and hes abusing her toobut Im jealous! Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesnt make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is Yes!

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees The party has just begun! The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.

After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had bonded emotionally with their captors.

While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as Stockholm Syndrome due to the publicity, the emotional bonding with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

* Abused Children
* Battered/Abused Women
* Prisoners of War
* Cult Members
* Incest Victims
* Criminal Hostage Situations
* Concentration Camp Prisoners
* Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The Stockholm Syndrome reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing Stockholm Syndrome will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.

Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

Its important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, its easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.

Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors, and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

* Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
* Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
* Support of the abusers reasons and behaviors
* Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
* Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
* Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

Stockholm Syndrome doesnt occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery involving hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women picked him up and physically held him up to the window for another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is exposed to abuse/control and other factors are certainly involved.

It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

* The presence of a perceived threat to ones physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat.
* The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
* Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
* The perceived inability to escape the situation

By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as well as criminal/hostage situations. Looking at each situation:
Perceived Threat to Ones Physical/Psychological Survival

The perception of threat can be formed by direct, indirect, or witnessed methods. Criminal or antisocial partners can directly threaten your life or the life of friends and family. Their history of violence leads us to believe that the captor/controller will carry out the threat in a direct manner if we fail to comply with their demands. The abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps our loved ones safe.

Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will never leave them or have another partner, reminding you that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes. Hints are often offered such as I know people who can make others disappear. Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or controller how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is possible if they leave.

Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next target for violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the abuser/controller is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we will be the target of those thoughts in the future.
The Small Kindness Perception

In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor. In criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors, such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome in criminal hostage events.

In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not all bad and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesnt happen, that small kindness is interpreted as a positive sign.

Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a soft side. During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a victim. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with I know he fractured my jaw and ribsbut hes troubled. He had a rough childhood! Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed; however, its almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse. In truth, personality disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even denied by blaming their bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now even video games. One murderer blamed his crime on eating too much junk food now known as the Twinkie Defense. While it may be true that the abuser/controller had a difficult upbringing, showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change in their behavior and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While sad stories are always included in their apologies after the abusive/controlling event their behavior never changes! Keep in mind: once you become hardened to the sad stories, they will simply try another approach. I know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "Im beating (robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!"
Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor

In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always walking on eggshells fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abusers perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abusers potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.

Taking the abusers perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family fearing family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and to stop interfering, and break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as causing trouble and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they continue to interfere or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact with situations that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations the victim quickly realizes its safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesnt work, for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand that she stop calling.

In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their fault. Some women will allow their children to be removed by child protective agencies rather than give up the relationship with their abuser. As they take the perspective of the abuser, the children are at fault they complained about the situation, they brought the attention of authorities to the home, and they put the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a danger to the victims safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome, allowing the children to be removed from the home decreases their victim stress while providing an emotionally and physically safer environment for the children.
Perceived Inability to Escape

As a hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns, its easy to understand the perceived inability to escape. In romantic relationships, the belief that one cant escape is also very common. Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations. Here are some common situations:

*

Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense their partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, later claiming they cant pay alimony or child support due to their large car payments.
*

The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant problems. A Controller who has an income that is under the table or maintained through legally questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income being investigated or made public by the divorce/separation. The Controller then becomes more agitated about the possible public exposure of their business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.
*

The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public exposure of the victims personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will undercut the victims support such as Ill see that you lose your job or Ill have your automobile burned.
*

Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt threatening suicide if the victim leaves. The victim hears Ill kill myself in front of the children, Ill set myself on fire in the front yard, or Our children wont have a father/mother if you leave me!
*

In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel burned out and too depressed to leave. Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency by controlling the finances, placing automobiles/homes in their name, and eliminating any assets or resources the victim may use to leave. In clinical practice Ive heard Id leave but I cant even get money out of the savings account! I dont know the PIN number.
*

In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the controller may stabilize their life. Freshmen in college may be attracted to controlling individuals who promise to help them survive living away from home on a college campus.

In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with trouble. Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, trouble is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create trouble in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding trouble! The victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid trouble. In this situation, children who are noisy become trouble. Loved ones and friends are sources of trouble for the victim who is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression.

Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement professionals are painfully aware of the situation making a domestic dispute one of the high-risk calls during work hours. Called by neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser is passive upon arrival of the police, only to find the abused spouse upset and threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested for domestic violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate against him/her if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they offer statements about the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal by the abuser, 3) they dont bail them out of jail as quickly as possible, and 4) they dont personally apologize for the situation as though it was their fault.

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. Its also the reason they continue to see the good side of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/part-2.html
Kathara
Postat pe 21 Septembrie 2009 18:48
De la: Kathara, la data 2009-09-21 18:48:08Banuiesc ca stii engleza.

If youre in a controlling and abusive relationship, you may recognize several of the characteristics described in this article by Consulting Clinical Psychologist Dr Joseph M. Carver, PhD. Part 1 describes the formation of bonds between victim and abuser, while Part 2 continues with observations about cognitive dissonance and offers suggestions for friends and family of victims.

Introduction

People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember theyve thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar Disorder recently told me I cant believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy! A common reaction is I cant believe I did that!

In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as I know what hes done to me, but I still love him, I dont know why, but I want him back, or I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her. Recently Ive heard This doesnt make sense. Hes got a new girlfriend and hes abusing her toobut Im jealous! Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesnt make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is Yes!

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees The party has just begun! The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.

After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had bonded emotionally with their captors.

While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as Stockholm Syndrome due to the publicity, the emotional bonding with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

* Abused Children
* Battered/Abused Women
* Prisoners of War
* Cult Members
* Incest Victims
* Criminal Hostage Situations
* Concentration Camp Prisoners
* Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The Stockholm Syndrome reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing Stockholm Syndrome will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.

Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

Its important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, its easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.

Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors, and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

* Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
* Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
* Support of the abusers reasons and behaviors
* Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
* Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
* Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

Stockholm Syndrome doesnt occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery involving hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women picked him up and physically held him up to the window for another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is exposed to abuse/control and other factors are certainly involved.

It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

* The presence of a perceived threat to ones physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat.
* The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
* Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
* The perceived inability to escape the situation

By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as well as criminal/hostage situations. Looking at each situation:
Perceived Threat to Ones Physical/Psychological Survival

The perception of threat can be formed by direct, indirect, or witnessed methods. Criminal or antisocial partners can directly threaten your life or the life of friends and family. Their history of violence leads us to believe that the captor/controller will carry out the threat in a direct manner if we fail to comply with their demands. The abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps our loved ones safe.

Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will never leave them or have another partner, reminding you that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes. Hints are often offered such as I know people who can make others disappear. Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or controller how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is possible if they leave.

Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next target for violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the abuser/controller is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we will be the target of those thoughts in the future.
The Small Kindness Perception

In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor. In criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors, such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome in criminal hostage events.

In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not all bad and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesnt happen, that small kindness is interpreted as a positive sign.

Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a soft side. During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a victim. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with I know he fractured my jaw and ribsbut hes troubled. He had a rough childhood! Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed; however, its almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse. In truth, personality disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even denied by blaming their bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now even video games. One murderer blamed his crime on eating too much junk food now known as the Twinkie Defense. While it may be true that the abuser/controller had a difficult upbringing, showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change in their behavior and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While sad stories are always included in their apologies after the abusive/controlling event their behavior never changes! Keep in mind: once you become hardened to the sad stories, they will simply try another approach. I know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "Im beating (robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!"
Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor

In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always walking on eggshells fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abusers perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abusers potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.

Taking the abusers perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family fearing family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and to stop interfering, and break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as causing trouble and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they continue to interfere or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact with situations that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations the victim quickly realizes its safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesnt work, for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand that she stop calling.

In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their fault. Some women will allow their children to be removed by child protective agencies rather than give up the relationship with their abuser. As they take the perspective of the abuser, the children are at fault they complained about the situation, they brought the attention of authorities to the home, and they put the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a danger to the victims safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome, allowing the children to be removed from the home decreases their victim stress while providing an emotionally and physically safer environment for the children.
Perceived Inability to Escape

As a hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns, its easy to understand the perceived inability to escape. In romantic relationships, the belief that one cant escape is also very common. Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations. Here are some common situations:

*

Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense their partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, later claiming they cant pay alimony or child support due to their large car payments.
*

The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant problems. A Controller who has an income that is under the table or maintained through legally questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income being investigated or made public by the divorce/separation. The Controller then becomes more agitated about the possible public exposure of their business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.
*

The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public exposure of the victims personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will undercut the victims support such as Ill see that you lose your job or Ill have your automobile burned.
*

Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt threatening suicide if the victim leaves. The victim hears Ill kill myself in front of the children, Ill set myself on fire in the front yard, or Our children wont have a father/mother if you leave me!
*

In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel burned out and too depressed to leave. Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency by controlling the finances, placing automobiles/homes in their name, and eliminating any assets or resources the victim may use to leave. In clinical practice Ive heard Id leave but I cant even get money out of the savings account! I dont know the PIN number.
*

In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the controller may stabilize their life. Freshmen in college may be attracted to controlling individuals who promise to help them survive living away from home on a college campus.

In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with trouble. Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, trouble is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create trouble in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding trouble! The victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid trouble. In this situation, children who are noisy become trouble. Loved ones and friends are sources of trouble for the victim who is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression.

Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement professionals are painfully aware of the situation making a domestic dispute one of the high-risk calls during work hours. Called by neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser is passive upon arrival of the police, only to find the abused spouse upset and threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested for domestic violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate against him/her if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they offer statements about the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal by the abuser, 3) they dont bail them out of jail as quickly as possible, and 4) they dont personally apologize for the situation as though it was their fault.

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. Its also the reason they continue to see the good side of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/part-2.html



Cred ca e prea mult pentru ea!
bl_de
Postat pe 22 Septembrie 2009 16:00
am citit toata povestea ta si chiar ca viata bate filmul. imi pare rau de tine cum mi-ar parea rau de orice femeie in situatia ta dar chiar daca sunt si eu femeie nu pot sa te inteleg. cum poti sa induri atata bataie si umilinta ? tocmai ca esti si tu la o varsta si ai avut relatii , nu ai si tu scoala vietii macar un pic? eu nu il acuz pe el , nu nu..el e un nenorocit al carui loc e la puscarie tu esti vinovata si imi pare rau sa ti-o spun pentru ce traiesti. esti nefericita pentru ca tu ai ales sa fi asa. doar nu se ti s-au terminat sansele ca ai aproape 30 de ani , mai bine stai singura si linistita fara un barbat si o sa apara cineva ca lumea si pt tine. du-te la medicul legist sa scoti certificat ca esti abuzata si fa plangere la politie,dar nu te vad in stare sa faci nici macar asta si imi pare rau de tine ca nu iei initiativa. cand o sa te respecti pe tine atunci o sa te respecte si altii.
Lorena26
Postat pe 22 Septembrie 2009 20:29
De la: , la data 2009-09-20 15:07:05buna.
ceea ce urmeaza sa va povestesc poate uimi majoritatea de prostia care zace in mne , dar cum sunt constienta de toate astea , va rog sa va abtineti de la jigniri si comentarii care nu-si au rostul si care nu ma ajuta in nici un fel.
am o relatie de 2 ani jumate.de la inceput si pana in prezent , relatia a fost foarte dificila. certuri zilnice ,contraziceri , gelozie , controale si tot ce poate fi mai rau . Partle bune? nu exista...dupa doar 3 saptamani de relatie, m-a batut atat de tare...2 saptamani am stat vanata la ochi , nu puteam sta intinsa pe spate , abia respiram si cand ma vedea ca sufar ...se bucura asa de tare...spunea ca merit. ca numai eu sunt devina pentru toate si daca nu o sa ma port cum vrea el o sa fie si mai rau. ce s-a intamplat in noaptea in care m-a batut prima data ? 8 ore m-a tinut langa el sa ma convinga sa nu ne despartim ca numai eu sunt de vina , ca eu l-am provocat...asa ca am uitat repede bataia , cu gandul ca daca ma port frumos cu el , va fi bine , sau poate daca voi fi mai rece se va indeparta....nu a fost asa bineinteles....am continuat la fel de rau . inca o bataie peste 2 luni , inca una peste 4 luni si tot asa.... in total 8 bataii n 18 luni...si cand spun bataie nu ma refer la o palma...nu ...alea sunt la luna , doar pentru ca ma saluta cineva , sau pentru ca mi-a aparut cineva in lista de mess , sau pentru orice implica o alta persoana. nu aveam voie sa salut pe cineva decat cu buna ziua si foarte rece...pentru ca daca as fi avut curaj fiu sociabila, ar fi insemnat pt el ca sunt c.... bineinteles , toate astea m-au afectat psihic foarte tare , asfel incat incepeam sa tip ,sa ma trantesc pe jos , sa am tentative de sinucidere....
pana aici...probabil nimic ce v-ar mira...prin asta trec multe persoane care de frica sau diferite motive continua asa la nesfarsit . la mine insa s-a intamplat contrariul. am inceput sa accept situatia , relatia , viata asta... si sa tin la el.cum s-a putut intampla asa ceva ? cum am ajuns in situatia asta crunta. din prostie , fara doar si poate.
prima data cand mi-a spus el hai sa ne despartim , ca iti fac mult rau si nu e bine , ne facem de ras si nu ne potrivim , ca tu stii ce sa facem sa nu ma aduci in stadiul asta , dar nu faci nimic . hai mai bine sa ne oprim . bun . hai sa gandim logic ca la 30 de ani ai lui si eu pe aproape...avea dreptate. asa ca am "terminat-o".
pentru o ora....ce a urmat ? multe jigniri , tipete , telefoane sparte si bineineteles vanatai si haine rupte...nu ca in filme... nu nu ...depaseste cu mult orice film . partea "buna", daca se poate numi asa e ca mereu am ripostat , mereu am fost violenta si culmea eu , doar eu condamnata de cei care asistau si se amuzau copios [ nu inteleg deloc de ce] - drept nebuna....dc? pentru ca tipam...
precizez ca nu locuim impreuna , avem vieti total diferite...nu ne leaga nimic . poate jucariile din plus de toate marimile , care nu-mi atenueaza durerile ci le amplifica...poate florile primite fara nici o ocazie , pe care le-am pastrat cu sfintenie, dar care in momente d-astea imi adancesc si mai tare ranile , poate doar faptul ca uneori in el exista barbatul care ma face sa ma simt speciala,lucru care nu l-am mai simtit pana acum.poate numai din cauza batailor , mi se par valoroase momentele bune...
acum , sunt vanata bineiteles la maini picioare , sold , dar cel mai tare la ochi...maine ar trebui sa ma duc la munca , dar nu am cum . nu ma pot ascunde la nesfarsit si apoi oamenii din jurul meu nu mai cred de mult ca m-am lovit la geam , m-am lovit la usa, si tot felul de scuze penibile .
insa cel mai tare ma doare faptul ca am sentimente puternice (ura si dragoste, desi cred ca cea din urma e numai prostie )pentru animalul din el, pentru cei 2 ani jum pierduti in speranta ca se va schimba , ca il voi schimba, ca e doar vina mea si deci ca eu ma voi schimba . dar nu....nimic nu se schimba...nimic .
ce sa ma fac? cum sa am puterea sa trec si peste asta.
e a sasea mea relatie.toate celelalte de cate 10-12 luni , simple fara probleme majore...ultima in schimb mi-a pus capac. eu sunt de vina . orice fata normala are un esec doua , dar eu .... nu mai am puterea sa o iau de la inceput , nu mai pot si nici varsta nu ma lasa .am imbatranit in prostie , fara sperante, fara viitor.
sa cred ca asta mi-e soarta ? ca orice as face tot aici ajung ? am ghinion in viata asta pe toate planurile, fara nici o exceptie ?
de exemplu sa spun faptul ca de un an de cand am terminat facultatea , nu am reusit sa ma angajez decat secretara , pentru 6 milioane ? nu , nu-si are rostul aici...
problema majora este relatia in care ma aflu si culmea prostiei ca tot o sa continuie pana cand doamne fereste voi muri de mana lui.da m-a amenintat si cu asta, dar nici eu n-am fost mai buna , si eu am innebunit .nu stiu ce e de facut . nu stiu nici daca mai rezist . n-am renuntat la viata sau cel putin nu pana la capat doar pentru ca mai am o speranta... tot astept o minune.tot cred ca mi se cuvine putina fericire, dupa chinul indurat si daca am rabdare , o sa vina si randul meu .
nu mai spun decat un singur lucru....dumnezeu nu-ti da mai mult decat poti duce...
la mine...cred ca a uitat complet ca exist... posturi ? da am tinut...slujbe...da am fost mult timp , inca nu am renuntat de tot...si tot asa....
poate platesc ca nu mai sunt virgina , ca am avut prea multi parteneri , desi cunosc persoane care m-au depasit cu mult , si nu in relatii de luni bune...ci de cateva nopti...sau poate aici gresesc...poate asta trebui sa fac si eu . dar nu pot ...nu am inselat niciodata , am fost mereu sincera...si uite unde am ajuns....
asta e viata mea si cred ca mult timp va continua asa .... ma doare tare...de data asta mai mult ranile exterioare decat sufletul...
nu am nici o speranta . e dulce vinul care curge din painea de la ochiul stang si sarata,amara lacrima de la ochiul drept....prostia nu are limite ...... asta e tot:PROSTIE ...
sau ma insel? .......



violenta, vanatai si SENTIMENTE ??????????????? cred ca ai gresit Te rog sa te corectezii!!!!!!!!!

Vad ca constientizezi bine situatia !! Inclin sa cred ca esti o sadica ori vrei sa-l pedepsesti ???????

nimeni nu te poate tine cu forta e doar dorinta ta!!!!!!!!
anastasia_m
Postat pe 22 Septembrie 2009 20:42
nu pot sa cred !!!! MULT PREA MULT!! Ia atitudine urgent, mergi la medicul legist, scoate-ti un certificat medico-legal si da-l pe mana politiei!!! Cu asa ceva nu este de stat nici 5 minute !!!! Iti tin pumnii !!!!
Lacra___
Postat pe 23 Septembrie 2009 00:48
Nu,nu esti o femeie proasta,ci o femeie care are nevoie URGENT de ajutor specializat.
Cauta-ti un psiholog,indiferent de costurile pe care le presupune si treci rapid pe terapie.
Deasemenea inconjoara-te de oameni pozitivi,din familie,prieteni etc carora sa le spui prin ce treci si sa te sprijine pentru a iesi din iadul pe care il traiesti in acest moment.
heaven2007
Postat pe 23 Septembrie 2009 10:04
Ok. mare ajutor sa dai copy paste de pe net.. intr-o alta limba.. (fie ea de circulatie internationala)...In fine, nu mai conteaza...
Sa fiu sincera. .. prima impresie a fost de greata. O scarba imensa... pentru ca exista astfel de femei. Pentru ca nu esti singura. Gem tribunalele de femei schilodite din dragoste.... care urla la randul lor... Nu de durere ci doar de groaza ca bestia le-ar putea parasi vreodata.
Ne-ai cerut sa nu te facem proasta. Doamne fereste! Nu te fac in niciun fel. E viata ta. "Te faci" singura....

E inadmisibil sa accepti o astfel de situatie invocand iubirea! Pentru mine e de neconceput.. Si nu am mila sau intelegere.
rashela
Postat pe 23 Septembrie 2009 10:17
"sa cred ca asta mi-e soarta ? ca orice as face tot aici ajung ? am ghinion in viata asta pe toate planurile, fara nici o exceptie ?"
Fata draga neincrederea asta in tine te trage in jos si nu te lasa sa evoluezi. Incearca sa te respecti mai mult, ai o facultate si esti secretara, apuca-te de niste cursuri care sa te ajute in cariera, preocupa-te mai mult de aspectul asta, daca in dragoste dai chix-uri. In momentul in care iti vei recapata increderea in tine, vei vedea ca vei atrage si oameni deosebiti linga tine!
miss_darine
Postat pe 26 Septembrie 2009 10:45
De la: miss_darine, la data 2009-09-26 10:45:13"sa cred ca asta mi-e soarta ? ca orice as face tot aici ajung ? am ghinion in viata asta pe toate planurile, fara nici o exceptie ?"
Fata draga neincrederea asta in tine te trage in jos si nu te lasa sa evoluezi. Incearca sa te respecti mai mult, ai o facultate si esti secretara, apuca-te de niste cursuri care sa te ajute in cariera, preocupa-te mai mult de aspectul asta, daca in dragoste dai chix-uri. In momentul in care iti vei recapata increderea in tine, vei vedea ca vei atrage si oameni deosebiti linga tine!


total de acord!!! Afunda-te putin in munca... mai tarziu va fi mult mai bine... pana una alta, descotoroseste-te RAPID de el......
Lacra___
Postat pe 26 Septembrie 2009 13:22
subscriu la mesajul de mai sus Cat de tare sa iubesti sa suporti un asemenea animal Du-te fata unde-i vedea cu ochii de abia acum iti traiesti viata N-ai auzit de Femeia la 30 de ani a lui Balzac.Ia atitudine si traieste-i viata.Succes
speranta1
Postat pe 3 Octombrie 2009 09:50
subscriu la mesajul de mai sus Cat de tare sa iubesti sa suporti un asemenea animal Du-te fata unde-i vedea cu ochii de abia acum iti traiesti viata N-ai auzit de Femeia la 30 de ani a lui Balzac.Ia atitudine si traieste-i viata.Succes
speranta1
Postat pe 3 Octombrie 2009 09:50
Din cate observ , esti deja depresiva. Tot ce nu a mers bine sau asa cum te asteptai in viata te-a doborat. Este usor sa spui "ridica-te, sterge-te de praf si mergi mai departe", si cam asta ar fi de facut, de cautarea unui job m bun, de cautarea unui barbat care sa te iubeasca si sa te respecte, dar cred ca ai nevoie de un ajutor, un psiholog, un consilier, ceva.
Daca ai incerca poate ai reusi. nu renunta, NICIODATA NU E PREA TARZIU, si chiar ai timp sa-ti refaci viata.
Gaseste in tine forta sa te desparti de viata asta , de gandurile negre si cauta fericirea sau macar linistea.
mult succes!
angelfromheaven
Postat pe 5 Octombrie 2009 22:08
De la: , la data 2009-09-20 15:07:05buna.
ceea ce urmeaza sa va povestesc poate uimi majoritatea de prostia care zace in mne , dar cum sunt constienta de toate astea , va rog sa va abtineti de la jigniri si comentarii care nu-si au rostul si care nu ma ajuta in nici un fel.
am o relatie de 2 ani jumate.de la inceput si pana in prezent , relatia a fost foarte dificila. certuri zilnice ,contraziceri , gelozie , controale si tot ce poate fi mai rau . Partle bune? nu exista...dupa doar 3 saptamani de relatie, m-a batut atat de tare...2 saptamani am stat vanata la ochi , nu puteam sta intinsa pe spate , abia respiram si cand ma vedea ca sufar ...se bucura asa de tare...spunea ca merit. ca numai eu sunt devina pentru toate si daca nu o sa ma port cum vrea el o sa fie si mai rau. ce s-a intamplat in noaptea in care m-a batut prima data ? 8 ore m-a tinut langa el sa ma convinga sa nu ne despartim ca numai eu sunt de vina , ca eu l-am provocat...asa ca am uitat repede bataia , cu gandul ca daca ma port frumos cu el , va fi bine , sau poate daca voi fi mai rece se va indeparta....nu a fost asa bineinteles....am continuat la fel de rau . inca o bataie peste 2 luni , inca una peste 4 luni si tot asa.... in total 8 bataii n 18 luni...si cand spun bataie nu ma refer la o palma...nu ...alea sunt la luna , doar pentru ca ma saluta cineva , sau pentru ca mi-a aparut cineva in lista de mess , sau pentru orice implica o alta persoana. nu aveam voie sa salut pe cineva decat cu buna ziua si foarte rece...pentru ca daca as fi avut curaj fiu sociabila, ar fi insemnat pt el ca sunt c.... bineinteles , toate astea m-au afectat psihic foarte tare , asfel incat incepeam sa tip ,sa ma trantesc pe jos , sa am tentative de sinucidere....
pana aici...probabil nimic ce v-ar mira...prin asta trec multe persoane care de frica sau diferite motive continua asa la nesfarsit . la mine insa s-a intamplat contrariul. am inceput sa accept situatia , relatia , viata asta... si sa tin la el.cum s-a putut intampla asa ceva ? cum am ajuns in situatia asta crunta. din prostie , fara doar si poate.
prima data cand mi-a spus el hai sa ne despartim , ca iti fac mult rau si nu e bine , ne facem de ras si nu ne potrivim , ca tu stii ce sa facem sa nu ma aduci in stadiul asta , dar nu faci nimic . hai mai bine sa ne oprim . bun . hai sa gandim logic ca la 30 de ani ai lui si eu pe aproape...avea dreptate. asa ca am "terminat-o".
pentru o ora....ce a urmat ? multe jigniri , tipete , telefoane sparte si bineineteles vanatai si haine rupte...nu ca in filme... nu nu ...depaseste cu mult orice film . partea "buna", daca se poate numi asa e ca mereu am ripostat , mereu am fost violenta si culmea eu , doar eu condamnata de cei care asistau si se amuzau copios [ nu inteleg deloc de ce] - drept nebuna....dc? pentru ca tipam...
precizez ca nu locuim impreuna , avem vieti total diferite...nu ne leaga nimic . poate jucariile din plus de toate marimile , care nu-mi atenueaza durerile ci le amplifica...poate florile primite fara nici o ocazie , pe care le-am pastrat cu sfintenie, dar care in momente d-astea imi adancesc si mai tare ranile , poate doar faptul ca uneori in el exista barbatul care ma face sa ma simt speciala,lucru care nu l-am mai simtit pana acum.poate numai din cauza batailor , mi se par valoroase momentele bune...
acum , sunt vanata bineiteles la maini picioare , sold , dar cel mai tare la ochi...maine ar trebui sa ma duc la munca , dar nu am cum . nu ma pot ascunde la nesfarsit si apoi oamenii din jurul meu nu mai cred de mult ca m-am lovit la geam , m-am lovit la usa, si tot felul de scuze penibile .
insa cel mai tare ma doare faptul ca am sentimente puternice (ura si dragoste, desi cred ca cea din urma e numai prostie )pentru animalul din el, pentru cei 2 ani jum pierduti in speranta ca se va schimba , ca il voi schimba, ca e doar vina mea si deci ca eu ma voi schimba . dar nu....nimic nu se schimba...nimic .
ce sa ma fac? cum sa am puterea sa trec si peste asta.
e a sasea mea relatie.toate celelalte de cate 10-12 luni , simple fara probleme majore...ultima in schimb mi-a pus capac. eu sunt de vina . orice fata normala are un esec doua , dar eu .... nu mai am puterea sa o iau de la inceput , nu mai pot si nici varsta nu ma lasa .am imbatranit in prostie , fara sperante, fara viitor.
sa cred ca asta mi-e soarta ? ca orice as face tot aici ajung ? am ghinion in viata asta pe toate planurile, fara nici o exceptie ?
de exemplu sa spun faptul ca de un an de cand am terminat facultatea , nu am reusit sa ma angajez decat secretara , pentru 6 milioane ? nu , nu-si are rostul aici...
problema majora este relatia in care ma aflu si culmea prostiei ca tot o sa continuie pana cand doamne fereste voi muri de mana lui.da m-a amenintat si cu asta, dar nici eu n-am fost mai buna , si eu am innebunit .nu stiu ce e de facut . nu stiu nici daca mai rezist . n-am renuntat la viata sau cel putin nu pana la capat doar pentru ca mai am o speranta... tot astept o minune.tot cred ca mi se cuvine putina fericire, dupa chinul indurat si daca am rabdare , o sa vina si randul meu .
nu mai spun decat un singur lucru....dumnezeu nu-ti da mai mult decat poti duce...
la mine...cred ca a uitat complet ca exist... posturi ? da am tinut...slujbe...da am fost mult timp , inca nu am renuntat de tot...si tot asa....
poate platesc ca nu mai sunt virgina , ca am avut prea multi parteneri , desi cunosc persoane care m-au depasit cu mult , si nu in relatii de luni bune...ci de cateva nopti...sau poate aici gresesc...poate asta trebui sa fac si eu . dar nu pot ...nu am inselat niciodata , am fost mereu sincera...si uite unde am ajuns....
asta e viata mea si cred ca mult timp va continua asa .... ma doare tare...de data asta mai mult ranile exterioare decat sufletul...
nu am nici o speranta . e dulce vinul care curge din painea de la ochiul stang si sarata,amara lacrima de la ochiul drept....prostia nu are limite ...... asta e tot:PROSTIE ...
sau ma insel? .......





Draga! Nimeni nu are dreptul sa dea in noi fie ca e iubit,sot... sau altcineva...
In situatia ta sunt multe femei batute de iubit/sot... si stau cu el.. il reclama la politie si tot la el se intorc. Eu consider ca aceste femei nu se iubesc pe ele, si chiar ajung sa creada ca ele sunt vinovate.. ba ca nu au tacut din gura sau alte scuze penibile. Cel care bate cconsidera ca asa se face respectat, inteles.. dar el este persoana slaba, persoana care nu stie sa faca altceva decat sa ridice pumnul.... Nu imi place sa judec oamenii dar asta nu inseamna ca sunt de acord cu ce fac ei...
iubitul tau poate fi e o persoana minunata dar comportamentul lui e dezastruos.
Gandestete ca cut vei sta mia mult sa fii maltrata cu atat viata ta e mai in declin Eu daca as fi in locul tau as spune lumii intregi prin ce trec ... nu m-as ascunde caci nu sunt vinovata ca cineva ma maltrateaza... si sa stii ca la scoala ai gasi ajutor sunt convinsa... chiar si la centrele asistenetele sociale de la centru ai putea sa apelezi
Sa stii ca nu o sa iti multumeasca nimeni daca stai sa iei bataie,esti tanara si bataile astea t e marcheaza pe viata,nu accepta sa fii calcata in picioare
iesi din relatia casa si urmeazati viata in continuare... Nu iti fie rusine,nici un animal nu trebuie batut dar un om...
Viata ta trebuie sa mearga mai departe dar trebuie sa fii cu fruntea sus si sa nu iti fie rusine ca fratele tau este un "animal" caci de asta suntem oameni sa ne folosim mintea nu instinctele... Mergi la scoala si spune ce ai patit sa nu iti fie rusine.. aisa vazut ca oamenii vor sa te ajute nu ii dezamagi .... Fii puternica si cu fruntea sus... Spune ce ti se intampla si ai sa vezi ca oamenii pot fi altfel.. nu toti oamenii sunt asa cum ai e al tau .
Iti doresc tot binele din lume, sa te iubesti pe tine si sa nu uiti ca cea mai importanta persoana pentru tine esti tu.
Aphrodite
Postat pe 5 Octombrie 2009 22:18
scuze, am scris fratele tau in loc de sotul tau
Aphrodite
Postat pe 5 Octombrie 2009 22:19
Lista adaposturilor pentru femeile batute

Multe femei se complac in relatii sau casnicii care nu functioneaza. Ba mai mult decat atat, unele sunt si agresate de partenerii lor de viata.

In multe orase exista organizatii care acorda sprijin acestor femei, prin consiliere, asistenta medicala si gazduire in adaposturi speciale. Agentia Nationala pentru Protectia Familiei a intocmit o lista cu adaposturile respective.

In unele cazuri, sunt date telefoanele Directiilor de Dialog, Familie si Solidaritate Sociala, care cunosc situatia adaposturilor. Iata ce organizatii ofera sprijin femeilor agresate:

Alba - Asociatia AS 2001, tel. 0800.800.135, in parteneriat cu Primaria Alba Iulia

Arad - Directia de Dezvoltare si Asistenta Comunitara Arad - Centrul de zi si adapost de noapte pentru persoane fara adapost, bd. Decebal nr. 38, Arad

Brasov - Consiliul Local Brasov - Centrul pentru persoane fara adapost/0268.324.018; Primaria comunei Halchiu si Asociatia R.A.M.H.A.-Centrul maternal "Casa Zorilor", tel. 0268.326.816

Botosani - Consiliul Local Tudora - Centrul de consiliere pentru femei si copii victime ale violentei la domiciliu/0231.589.120

Braila - Fundatia Lumina, tel. 0239/613.927

Cluj - Asociatia Femeilor impotriva Violentei, tel. 0264/192.689

Giurgiu - Directia Generala de Asistenta Sociala si Protectia Copilului - Centrul pentru mame si copii victime ale violentei domestice, Giurgiu, tel. 0246.983; 0246.212.478

Iasi - Primaria Pascani si Asociatia "Ajutati copiii" - Centrul de urgenta pentru copii si femei victime ale violentei domestice, tel. 0232/760.000

Ilfov - Centrul de prevenire a violentei in familie Buftea, telefon 021/225.45.66

Mures - Fundatia Veritas, Sighisoara, telefon 0265/779.999

Neamt - Fundatia Umanitara Columna Piatra-Neamt, 0233/225.225.

Maramures - Directia de Sanatate Publica, Consiliul Judetean, Asociatia Artemis si UNFPA - Centrul de prevenire, monitorizare si combatere a violentei domestice, Maramures, tel. 0262/250.770

Bucuresti - Polimed - Apaca, tel. 021/410.00.92; Fundatia Sensiblu, 021/301.74.74; Asociatia Diaconia, 031/337.49.80, adapost finantat de Patriarhia Romaniei; Centrul Pilot de Asistenta si Protectie a Victimelor Violentei in Familie - tel. 021/983; Directia Generala de Asistenta Sociala si Protectia Copilului sector 2 - Centrul de protectie pentru copilul victima a violentei, tel. 021/9852; Centrul de Informare si Consultanta pentru Familie, 021/313.25.05; DGASPC sector 3 - Centrul maternal, telefon 021/346.69.49

Aphrodite
Postat pe 5 Octombrie 2009 22:21
poate te uimeste...dar multe femei se complac in situatii de-astea,mult prea multe.si motivele sunt diverse...de obicei nu ma aventurez sa dau sfaturi drastice,de obicei propun mai multe variante ca sfat...dar in cazul tau fac o exceptie: FUGI! la modul cel mai serios...pleaca de acolo...refa-ti viata! du-te si la un psiholog ,e bine sa vorbesti cu cineva despre toate astea.si...nu e vorba de faptul ca ai tu ghinion si mereu se termina prost...multora ni se intampla asa si pentru ca gandim negativ.schimbarea trebuie sa vina de la tine...nu din jurul tau. schimba-te tu, investeste in spiritul tau,in increderea in tine si ai sa vezi cum va veni si norocul pe strada ta:)
eu iti urez multa bafta sincera,te inteleg si sper din suflet sa treci peste:)
sakura_7777777
Postat pe 1 Aprilie 2010 03:06

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